eqanimity

there isn't any...well...not much, and that's to be expected when you're trying (please emphaize trying, i don't really know how much success i'm having...may never know...then again may discover altogether too much) to deconstruct a system of beliefs that have accumulated over fifty odd years...descartes says that to be a true seeker of wisdom (and let's not assume i'm going to find any of that in the end either...or, perhaps it's philosophy he's talking about) you have to make the attempt to question everything you know at least once....take your beliefs down to the bare bones of what's there just to find the basis...what if you find nothing? then there's the question of what is troubling me so much that i find this necessary...i have some idea, but i am not prepared to go public with them...so there will be a barrier of lies by omission between us...there are others involved...some don't know they're involved so i have to protect them...and by logical extention myself ( or, perhaps, it's the other way round) so the level of psycological discomfort is fairly high...i have a basic grasp of what's up intellectually...it's the emotional part that's difficult...i look around at all this stuff i've accumulated and wonder why...it's fast becoming apparent to me that the bulk of it is unnecessary...that it's someone else's idea of a cultural norm...i don't use half of it...but there it is anyway...and i'm damned if i can explain why except that i've been as conditioned by the advertizing and aquisition norms as anyone and that just makes me more unhappy...we all have unclear pictures of ourselves i suppose....i would like to think i'm above this...but i'm not..sucked in like everyone else...so i'm getting a clearer picture of what i'm doing wrong...am i doing anything right? well i don't know, and that's the crux of the problem...need to do more housecleaning to see if i can find out.