rehab

thirty four years ago today i checked myself into rehab...a confirmed alcoholic at thirty-two it was what needed to be be done...mostly because i was trying to cut back and was having seizures so needed a medically supervised detox...and that was something rehab provided that was effective...thirty four years provides something of a longer view and the view informs me that after the detox rehab was pretty much a dead end...the "help" the therapists provided was mostly suggestions from a book they read along the way somewhere...trite stuff about altering routines and assessing triggers...a recipe for failure that would keep you coming back...dependent...even worse was the mandatory aa meetings we attended..."admit you are powerless against alcohol" and you're screwed from the get go and holding onto the organization for a trace of sobriety...dependent...dependency was what i was trying to end and none of this was going to help much...and yet i have been sober since 3 september 1986...it wasn't easy...it got easier...and it wasn't all that complex either...the largest and most difficult step was assuming responsibility for what and who i was...my problem was not my wife or my children or my job or my boss or my parents or my siblings or who was president...my problem was me...i was the root cause of my drinking and if it was going to stop i had to be the one to do it...not the therapists...not aa...and not an on line forum ( not to discredit the que or the people i met there...or the hard work they did to overcome their issues...or the caring they gave on another...it was a special place...but i had been sober twenty five years when i found it...thinking there were not many on line forums in 1986 )...and how did that come about? probably perseverance and a good deal of luck...i went to group therapy for nine months...because it is what they told me i needed to do...they were mistaken...what i needed to do was to redirect the still extant addictive personality i possessed ( and still possess...there is room for ambiguity in my life but i hate being conflicted and i do very little moderately ) to somewhat less self-destructive pursuits...among other things i went back to school and, perversely, came to gardening ( relatively non self-destructive ) through a class in physical anthropology...and what i turned that addictive personality loose on was my addiction to alcohol...twisting the single-minded activity of acquisition and use around and becoming relentlessly sober...it wasn't easy...there were white knuckle moments...i dreamed vivid technicolor dreams about drinking every night...right down to the small print on the vodka label..."come on" my addiction was saying..."just a half-pint...given the amount you were drinking no one would notice"...well...working on me at my most vulnerable...i would wake up swearing i wouldn't drink today ( something i have not done in decades...i know i won't drink today...i have no time for it and i am keenly aware that it wouldn't improve any situation i might face...infinite bad judgement in a bottle )...when those dreams stopped ( and it went on for two years ) i was deeply relieved and i knew i was in much firmer control of things ( incidentally i haven't has a technicolor dream in decades...my subconscious is still pissed off at me )...from then on sobriety became just as much a habit as drinking had been...sobriety as a mental shortcut...thoughtless...assumed...unconscious...i said it gets easier...those of you with years of sobriety probably find this all to be coals to newcastle...obvious...a no brainer...i seriously doubt i have recounted anything unique or revolutionary in the methodology of overcoming an addiction...for anyone still struggling, hang tough...no it is not easy...coming out the other side is worth all the effort it takes however...keep quitting.